Giving birth to my son Kavi was a pretty intense gateway to pass through. It was the end of the nine months of transformation that occurred, turning me into a mama. When Kavi came into the world, it was on his ultrasound-predicted ‘due date,’ which is something not may babies do (only around 5 percent). But Kavi was punctual, waiting patiently until I finished working (through the end of June), until his dad Ram arrived from India (on July 1), and until Kavi felt it was right. The labor itself was pretty long, clocking in around 70 hours (around 29 hours of active labor), starting with contractions that I knew would lead somewhere (early labor) in the wee early morning hours of Sunday, July 1, moving into ‘active labor’ where I had to moan to make it through a contraction around 6 pm on Monday, July 2, and culminating in Kavi’s first breaths (and cries) at 10:43 pm on Tuesday, July 3. He weighed 8 lbs and 2 oz, and was 20.5 inches long.
Over the months preceding the event, I had prepared in many ways. I took a great birth class. I packed my bags (about six weeks ahead of time) to include white Christmas lights, special scents, my ipod (with a special playlist) and speakers, a birthing outfit, and an expensive soft nightgown that was nursing-friendly. I put together a collage representing Surrender and Awe and Intention and Love, traits I hoped to bring into my labor. I put together a great support team including my best friend from forever, a team of doulas to help coach me through things, a team of midwives who had followed me through my pregnancy (checking all of the things you check along the way including blood tests, iron levels, blood pressure, periodic ultrasounds to check Kavi’s growth and the like). I read Henci Goer’s “A Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth” and watched the Business of Being Born and Born in the USA. I made and printed copies of my birthing preferences, which included things like not being asked to evaluate my pain on a 1-10 scale and to have as natural a birth as possible. I had multiple visits with my doulas to talk through the birth, picking a ‘code phrase’ that I could use if I really wanted an epidural (if I didn’t use the code phrase, all other requests for pain relief would be ignored). I took my evening primrose oil for weeks to soften my cervix, I drank my pregnancy tea for weeks, I took the late pregnancy tonic, I did acupuncture (including a little bit of electronic stimulation), I had a massage. I talked to my mama friends about their birth experiences. I went on walks. I ate spicy food. And of course I planned in all the ways you plan for a new little person coming home to live with you: reading a bunch, preparing Kavi’s room, getting the car seat installed, and planning financially to take three months off to dedicate to him and us. I was READY!However, nothing can really make you ready for the true pain of giving birth. And I even knew a little something about pain, having experienced freezing of part of my bones (toes) about seven years earlier. During much of my long labor, I felt pretty good, recording contractions (until I went into the hospital) faithfully (and yes, plotting their progress over two days in excel), breathing and moaning through the contractions as they got harder. During early labor, I passed the time with friends walking along the creek path, seeing a few movies (it took two days), and eating spicy foods. As active labor began in the early evening of the 2nd, I decided it was time to get takeout for the doula-suggested eggplant parmesan. Much of initial active labor I spent sitting on my comfy couch (lying down hurt a lot more), listening to my eight-hour mix of Snatam Kaur, dancing to just one song ‘Servant of Peace,’ which includes the beautiful prayer of St. Francis of Assisi:
Lyrics to ‘Servant of Peace’
Aad Sach, Jugaad Sach
True in the beginning, True thoughout the ages
Haibhay Sach, Nanak Hosee Bhay Sach
True here and now, O Nanak, God shall forever be True
Prayer of St Francis of Assisi:
Lord, make me an instrument of Thy Peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.
Oh Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
It is in dying that we are born into eternal life.
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Throughout my labor, I received awesome support along the way, particularly from my doula who knew the exact right places to both help labor along and to ease the pain of a contraction. Another supporting doula arrived with homeopathic remedies to help labor along. Later another doula would help using visualization. When I got to the hospital on Tuesday morning around 10:30 am, I was 5 cm dilated and 90 percent effaced, which was pretty good - as my midwife Shaunti said, “we’d like you to stay and have a baby today.” The late morning and afternoon went well - I had found my main way of getting through a contraction was to breath and release a low, grounding moaning sound through them. Opening up to around 7 cm took several more hours, with increasing intensity and focus needed.
Transition itself (the last two centimeters of dilation of the cervix from 8 to 10 cm) was an entirely different world, where the challenges were many: surrendering to the opening your uterus is going for is counter-intuitive to the accompanying pain, which makes you want to tighten up and resist. Then there is a pretty big mental game going on, where the mind thinks ‘oh this person and that person and the other person got epidurals,‘ testing my resolve to avoid pain relievers.
My code phrase for when I really wanted an epidural was derived from another time in my life that was up to that point the most physical pain I had been in: when I had frostbite on my toes from surviving the night in a snow ‘cave’ at 24,500 feet climbing Shishapangma in Tibet. Eventually at Advanced Base Camp when my toes re-warmed they were so painful that I couldn’t walk down to Base Camp, so I paid $50 to ride a donkey down. Hence my chosen code word was ‘I need a donkey.’
The only thing not purely natural about Kavi’s birth was that Shaunti broke my bag of waters after not progressing beyond 7 cm after several hours spent in the tub. This put extra pressure on my cervix to open up, and also led to quite a bit more pain.
Transition was by far the hardest part of bringing Kavi into the world. It was raw and real and tough. It was painful. I spent about half of it on my knees on the bed, leaning on the back of the bed (which transforms magically into almost any shape you want it to be), surrounded by five awesome women (two doulas, one midwife, one best friend, and one nurse). Some were there to offer hands to grip tightly (not worrying about some bruising). Some were there to apply counter pressure on my hips to help ease the pain. Some were there to bring ice water or ice chips to my lips between contractions. Many were there to moan with me, guiding me into a lower moan when I would start an octave too high. They were there to growl with me through a contraction. They were there to hear my loud moaning and cursing and praying and even sometimes crying and requests for help and relief (which, as they never were the code words, were ignored as previously agreed upon). Contractions would come and last and when they were going down, even though it was a short-lived period, my support team was there to remind me to relax as I could. The second half of transition was spent using the squat bar (another great transformation of the magical hospital bed). Transition was just plain hard. It lasted a long two hours or so (from 8 to 10 pm). But eventually the time had come for pushing - I had made it through the hard part, and as I had wanted, I made it through without pain relief!
Pushing itself was almost fun in comparison. Yes it was still very uncomfortable, but the mental challenge of not knowing how far away pushing would be was gone, as was the control and decision making aspects of ‘do I give in or not.’ And there were slightly longer breaks between pushes, even if there was Kavi’s head in my pelvis supplying constant pressure during the breaks. The best and exciting part was knowing that Kavi was really about ready to come out and I could meet him face to face. I remember the feeling of his head slowly making its way further into the world, and then the feeling of roundness changing as I felt his nose - closer! After 45 minutes of pushing (a part of my labor that was shorter than average), Kavi was born at 10:43 pm! He was 8 lbs and 2 oz, and was 20.5 inches long.
Welcome Kaviarasan Ram Hovland to the world! You are my poet king, and my love.
